Sometimes I get overwhelmed by my own courage. Well… the depressed part of me gets overwhelmed. And when it gets overwhelmed, it tries to talk me out of whatever it is that I am planning, and it fights with all of its strength, telling me „who the hell do you think you are to do xy, to try yz, to want abc.“
It happened – again – very recently, when I was planning to meet with the wonderful Hannah to take some pictures for the blog.
Depressed Voice (DV)
Inspired Voice (IV)
(maybe I’ll give them more creative names at some point in the future – suggestions welcome!)
IV: I’m gonna meet with a photographer and we’ll take some gorgeous pictures for the blog. Because noone wants to just read text. I’m a visual type of person, I need pictures to illustrate what I want to say. And I really want to create something that’s visually inspiring.
DV: Oh come on. Don’t be ridiculous. You’ll never be one of those beautiful girls with great blogs full of pretty pictures of themselves. Look at yourself! And then drop this stupid idea and go hide under your covers. That’s the only thing you’re capable of anyway.
IV: But I don’t want to go on like this. Lying in bed and hiding from the world all the time is not going to change anything! I have to try. Also, I can’t wait to use the hammock outside! Gorgeous light, different backgrounds… this is not about me trying to be a cover girl. It’s about creating a visual language! Also, shouldn’t it be part of the progress to try and love yourself and not hide who you are?
DV: Whatever. Don’t try to fool youself. You know you’ll look horrible in those pictures. People will laugh at you. They’ll say „Who does she think she is?“ And they are right! Who do you think you are to try and put yourself out there like that?
IV: Yeah, you’re probably right. Maybe I should cancel the whole thing… Or not! Can you just leave me alone for awhile? I’m trying to turn this whole experience into something useful. Shouldn’t you become weaker at some point?
DV: Be reasonable. You know exactly how this is going to end. You’re going to look at yourself in the pictures afterwards and hate yourself even more. So why don’t you just spare yourself the pain. It’s not worth the effort. Nothing is going to change.
IV: Nothing is going to change if I give up now! I know how this would go. You convince me to not do what I was planning on doing and at first I’ll be relieved. But then, after a while, I’ll regret it, knowing full well that you kept me from a wonderful experience. Again. That’s what happens all the time. So no. This time, I am going to go for it.
So this time… my inspired self won! This time… I won.
(And yes, looking at the pics made me a little self conscious again. I can live with that. The shooting itself was tons of fun, and some of the pics ARE quite nice.
And how effed up is it that I feel the need to write such a long post only to justify the idea of using pictures of myself in the blog? Either way, it serves as a pretty good example to show how the depressed mind works I guess)
All images in this post © Hannah S. Pilz