This post may take you on a quick tour through my darker side – for a moment at least. Because I have resumed taking yin yoga classes. And these are known to bring up all kinds of emotions, the raw and the subtle and just about everything you’ve been trying to suppress.
So…what happened in last week’s class was this:
The teacher was showering everyone around me with looots and lots of attention (it was not a crowded class, so she had time for it) in the form of hands on and long massages etc – everyone but me.
And I started thinking: „Wow, I must be disgusting, and/or my energy must be really repelling, for her to not want to touch me, to not pay the tinyest little bit of attention to me“.
Thoughts like these are not new to me – feeling like I’m somehow deeply disgusting (and people not wanting to be close to me, let alone touch me, as a consequence) is a big issue, one that has been with me for as long as I can think. I’d even it call it one of the main ingredients of my depression, but I had been convinced that it had started to get a little better in recent times.
Apparently that’s not the case. The dementors were back, and I was close to simply giving in and loosing myself in a nice round of self-pity.
And then I reminded myself of the countless times when I had been exactly at this point and how feeling sorry for myself and crying about it had never made it any better, and I decided (not for the first time) that I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I decided (one more time) that I’m done feeling disgusting and unworthy and unlovable, and so, knowing that changing these beliefs won’t happen all by itself, I spent the rest of the class focusing on an image that I can work with, an image I’ve been meditating on ever since:
I imagine that my heart, my core, my inner self… is nothing but pure light. And then I imagine that all the bad feelings, the old patterns, the false beliefs… they’re just layers that have piled on because of certain experiences or as some sort of coping mechanisms, and now it’s time for me to slowly start peeling back all these layers. Somehow, this image helps me accept and truly believe that these layers are nothing but unneccessary baggage, heavy stuff that I carry around but that has nothing to do with who I really am. And I will try and remind myself of that image every time I fall back into my old patterns. Deep inside, I’m nothing but pure light. And so are you.
photographer: Oskar Henn
mixed media edit: miss ninja cookie